....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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