So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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