I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
