I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
