Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
