I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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