i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
