i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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