We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Come see our sink grown plant.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
