why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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