what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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