I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
