what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
