Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
