mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
