Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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