i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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