Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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