i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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