fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
