Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
