Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
