I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
