We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
