the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im holly from the hills drunk
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
