i can't believe i had my finger in that
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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