Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
