Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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