hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
