You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
