Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
