Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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