Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
They have beer where we have blood.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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