so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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