I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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