I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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