he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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