i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
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