Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
