He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
