My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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