I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
