My room smells like vodka and shame
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
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Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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