i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Well I just put wine in my tea
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
