Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
