While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
