she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.