Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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