Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
