Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
my nose is crying tears of wow.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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