I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
