yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
