I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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