I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
even my farts smell like vagina
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
