I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.