Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
