Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I understand Curling. That high.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.