Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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