I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
